i always am waiting for the "more" without actually taking advantage of the present. unfortunately, living in such a manner makes you bypass the present altogether. instead of living for the day, pressing on towards your goal, you only look at the goal and how far away you are and how much you would rather just be there. it's nice to be home alone so i have time to think by myself, plenty of space to cry and gather myself together.
i can't stand my own lack of diligence and the fading passion that i once had. i always dreamed of living life on the edge and doing something great with my life, but now - now i can barely keep my eyelids open during the day and i hardly ever want to. where is the fire in my spirit that drove me onward as a child, that kept me going even when things were harder than they are now? that's the thing. things aren't any harder per - say than they were years ago. yes, i have responsibilities, but that's what happens when you aren't five anymore. the only things that are required of me are to breathe, eat, sleep, do some homework, go to class, and go to the prayer room. it's seriously not much to ask of somebody my age. i want to fall in love with the Man again who brought me into such a lifestyle. i think i got tired of waiting for Him to answer, so i stopped listening. isn't that horrible? i didn't even think of that until i just wrote it.
i'll do whatever You ask of me, please just don't leave me. give me a voice again, i'll sing. give me words, i'll speak them. give me silence, i'll try to listen. give me boldness, i'll go wherever You tell me to and do what comes from Your whispers to my heart.
something is stirring.
can i please just mention that i am totally digging phil wickham's music currently.